The Divine Comedy

Inquisition at the CBN

2006-03-03T15:28:00.000-05:00

Left: Pat Robertson being bludgeoned with the very same crucifix that was used by Sean Connery in the timeless 1986 classic film, Highlander.

In an act contrary to God's will, the Christian Broadcasting Network voted modern day Nazi Pat Robertson off of the board of directors this week.

An article in the Chicago Sun Times reports that "Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson, criticized by some evangelicals for comments about Venezuela's president and Israel's prime minister, lost a bid for re-election to the National Religious Broadcasters' board of directors". Robertson has in recent history issued a call for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez in response to his critiques of President Bush's foreign policy and also suggested that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's near fatal stroke was divine punishment for "dividing the holy land".

I, for one, disagree with the CBN's decision. These remarks, while brash, are, from what I can see, consistent with precedents set nearly a thousand years ago or more. Honestly, since when have the Christians not been down with the idea of killing jews and minorities? Why silence Robertson when we all know he is the voice of reason in an overliberalized society that respects people's inalienable rights? The voice says, "kill that uppity jew, God hates him anyway" or "it's okay to torture muslims; they aren't people" or "AIDs is the cure for the gays".

Ah yes, Pat Robertson, YOU are too real for the CBN. They've gone soft. Carry on God's good work of cold blooded murder.

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Christianity Awesome, Islam Bullshit according to some Christian Douche

2006-02-06T18:21:00.000-05:00

An article published in the radical right-wing and therefore somewhat mainstream American publication, the National Review, rebukes 'western liberals' for defending Islam against justified racial epithets. A thesis on the values of ethnically motivated blanket-statements, Journalist George Neumayr ,in his article, parenthetically entitled 'even my mother thinks I'm an asshole,' points out that “only radical Muslims would consider rioting a rational rebuttal to descriptions of Islam as violent. What other religious group riots or issues death threats after it is criticized? It is precisely because Christianity is so tame that Western liberals often feel safe to lampoon its history as violent.” (Neumayr)

Wow.

I don't even have a comment on that. Let's just sit back and meditate on the tameness of Christianity.

Click on the link below or on the title link in order to read the rest of this article, written by a very stupid man:

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/02/06/opinion/main1283291.shtml

image borrowed from www.newworldborder.com

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Wow! A Mathusala Rookie Card

2006-02-01T15:56:00.000-05:00

IMPORTANT: CLICK ON THE TITLE LINK AND COMMENT WHAT YOU THINK IS BEING DEPICTED IN THIS SCENE...REALLY REALLY LOOK

Methuselah- in the Bible, descendant of Seth; son of Enoch. He is said to have lived 969 years. It can also be spelled Mathusala.
------Free Columbia Dictionary

This Marketing professor of the City College of Santa Barbara relaxes from the extreme stresses of teaching at a prestigious university by collecting "antique European religious images from prayer books and holy cards".

This article emphasizes the fact that " [She] has devoted much of her limited free time, and all of her inheritance, to collecting, scanning and posting over 100,000 of "God's calling cards" on the web." But that isn't where it ends, this collection of antique cards that would put any 14 year-old seminary student's collection to shame brings with it an important message.

"Modern technology is a part of God's plan to help not only with remembering the past but creating future possibilities that at this time we cannot imagine.", says this avid Religious antique enthusiast referring to modern preservation techniques that will save these rare cards.

Sadly, it looks as if God's plan was to use technology to preserve little, old cards and not to, you know, save people through stem cell research.

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New Terrorist Camp Located in...SOUTH BRUNSWICK NJ

2006-01-31T15:46:00.000-05:00

The United States Central Intelligence Agency claims that they have discovered a new terrorist training camp operating in the state of New Jersey. CIA Spokesman Clint Ulrich disclosed that there may be as many as one Al Queda operative currently training in this South Brunswick camp. While these early intelligence reports are baseless and irresponsible, The Bush Administration, reacting in a way consistent with its 6 year tyrannical reign, will be organizing a full military campaign in order to preserve the safety of our citizenry from the deadly grasp of the "Axis of Evil".

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan is expected to announce when the President intends to blast this small school into the ground this
Thursday.

photo courtesy of
www.religiousnews.com

He Has Risen....Word!

2006-01-24T17:12:00.000-05:00

In a splendid and quasi-predictable event, Christ has been resurrected as Kanye West and will appear on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine's February 2006 issue. Kanye's rise to messiahdom started at an early age when he began turning water into 40 oz. bottles of Old English and was able to walk across the Hudson River from New Jersey to Manhattan in search of "mad, ill beats". Clergy officials in Vatican City have been working around the clock to either confirm or refute His second coming. Nonetheless, Pope Benedict XVI issued a statement this morning where he proclaimed that, "if he is the messiah, I'm still not going to let him drink from my water fountain".

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Testing the Waters....of Being an Asshole

2006-01-24T12:00:00.000-05:00

The state of South Dakota legislature will begin hearing arguments concerning a bill that will come up shortly that will, in effect, ban abortion within the state. In a January 22 article, author Jodi Schwan writes that:

The bill will be called the Woman's Health and Life Protection Act. It will ban abortion, but won't prosecute a doctor who performs one to save a woman's life.

And the lawmaker who's introducing the bill says he thinks now is the right time to try and over-turn Roe vs Wade.

Rep. Roger Hunt says, "Abortion should be banned."

On a seperate note, Rep. Roger Hunt will be pissing on the Constitution for an encore while simultaneously smoking a joint rolled from the Bill of Rights, packed with the Civil Rights Act of 1964, and "sparked" by a bonfire which includes the books "Huck Finn", Darwin's "Origin of the Species", and Dr. Seuss's notoriously anti-American piece of propoganda "Green Eggs and Ham". Thanks to Joy for pointing us to the article.

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Jesus Christ Schmorgasboard

2006-01-23T21:49:00.000-05:00

Ahhhhh....it's time for a Christian clip show. This link leads to "this week in religious news". My favorite little news clip is the one about the Vatican charging a publisher $18,000 to quote "Pope Benedict XVI's public statements and written works dating back to his professorial days as the Rev. Joseph Ratzinger." First, I can listen to Hitler's speeches for free, and he's the top NAZI (why settle for meatloaf when you can have prime rib). Second, I hear the Vantican is going bankrupt. Third, Moses would have charged double.

Religious Freedom Day: A Time for Thanks

2006-01-19T17:00:00.000-05:00

Pictured Left: Iraqis celebrate their new found religious rights
by performing their native "Nude POW Humiliation Pile" ritual
for Operation Iraqi Freedom support troops.

Well...January 16th was declared Religious Freedom Day by George W. Bush in a statement released earlier this month. The proclamation celebrated the freedom of the American people, as well as other peoples under American rule, to practice all religious rituals without fear of recrimination whether they be Christmas, Easter, or Lent.

Catholics Argue that Contraception is Murder

2006-01-16T17:22:00.000-05:00

A number of New York State Catholic Charities are sounding off against legislation requiring employers to include female contraception as part of standard medical coverage plans. Church leaders are concerned that increased access to contraception could reduce the number of abortions performed annually, thus de-prioritizing its core political issue. Lobbyists for the Catholic Church have assured that if abortion falls off of the political radar, its representatives are prepared to move on to another of its central issues; the proliferation of child molestation rights.

“A New York state law requiring employers to pay for contraception as part of medical insurance packages, has been upheld in a 3-2 decision. Nearly a dozen groups, including Catholic Charities of the Albany Diocese attempted to gain a temporary injunction against the law which they said violates their freedom of religion.” (White)

Evolution vs. Intelligent Design: Like Comparing Apples and Crackpots.

2006-01-11T19:30:00.000-05:00

A California school is embroiled in conflict over a course intended to espouse the scientific merits of intelligent design. Until we can teach monkey’s to worship Jesus, this is the only way, Christians argue, to bring alternative ideas about creation into the mainstream.

”Intelligent design holds that some biological systems are so complex they could not have evolved through random mutations, as the vast majority of biologists teach. They argue that complexity is proof that life was formed by an intelligent designer - usually understood to mean God.” (M&C News)

Onward Christian Seamen

2006-01-11T16:18:00.000-05:00

Mark one up for Jesus...and his name. Chaplain Lieutenant Gordon James Klingenschmitt, a Chaplain in the United States Marines, was allowed by the Navy to end, with honorable discharge, the remaining 3 years of his Navy employment contract despite his inclusion of "in Jesus' Name" at the end of each of his prayers.

However, the United States government will not allow the Chaplain to say these words while in uniform.

"Klingenschmitt said in the news release, "I accept the Navy's offer to let me finish my career, but I still can't wear my uniform in public. I won't end my fast until they give me back my uniform and let me pray in Jesus' Name."

Two weeks ago, Klingenschmitt said in the release, he was stripped of his uniform for all public appearances. That means, Klingenschmitt said, he is not allowed to talk about Jesus in public unless he is wearing civilian clothing" --Jeremy Reynalds
ASSIST News Service

The Chaplain has been, and will be, staging a hunger strike until he is allowed to voice his very own perspective from the pulpit of the United States Government. Whether someone agrees or disagrees with the chaplain, I think everyone can agree that the "hunger strike" outside the Whitehouse does not really hammer home the point that this man wants his uniform. Therefore, in place of a hunger strike, I suggest U.S. Navy Chaplain stand, balls and cock nude, outside the White House shouting that "George Bush is FORCING me to scream the name of our Lord and Savior while airing out my ball sack"

---Best of luck!

Even God Thinks Pat Robertson is a Prick

2006-01-07T16:01:00.000-05:00

After a year of radical policy shift and land-distribution upheaval, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon may be on the cusp of death. Christian Evangelist, radio broadcaster and renowned baby-kicker Pat Robertson “suggested Thursday that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine punishment for ‘dividing God's land.’” (Barisic) This is a reference to Sharon’s removal of Jewish settlers from the West Bank as part of an effort to forge an independent Palestinian state. As Robertson has made clear, however, God hates Palestinians.

Despite the preacher’s claims, medical experts suspect the PM’s condition may have more to do with the fact that Sharon consumes in excess than 400 pounds of gefilte fish and schnitzel a day. Robertson knows better than the professionals however, as he has a direct line to god, which he uses frequently for updates on the Middle East Peace Process, the War on Terror and upcoming sports scores.

God Needs Caller ID.

A Musical, Cultural and Religious Landmark is Gone

2006-01-07T15:46:00.000-05:00

When the great hokum blues singer Georgia Tom found God in the 1930s, Chicago and America found a gritty and soulful religion that even today provides an intimate counterbalance to the sterile distance of whitey’s somber psalms. The birthplace of Gospel Music burnt down yesterday on Chicago’s South Side, closing forever one of the lord’s swingingest houses.

“Precious few spots on Earth can be called the birthplace of an entire art form.

Pilgrim Baptist Church, which burned down Friday afternoon, was one of them.

In this sacred space—on the South Side of Chicago, at 33rd Street and Indiana Avenue—a former blues musician who turned to God invented a sound that would enrapture listeners around the world and baptized it ‘gospel music.’” (Reich, 1)