New Terrorist Camp Located in...SOUTH BRUNSWICK NJ

The United States Central Intelligence Agency claims that they have discovered a new terrorist training camp operating in the state of New Jersey. CIA Spokesman Clint Ulrich disclosed that there may be as many as one Al Queda operative currently training in this South Brunswick camp. While these early intelligence reports are baseless and irresponsible, The Bush Administration, reacting in a way consistent with its 6 year tyrannical reign, will be organizing a full military campaign in order to preserve the safety of our citizenry from the deadly grasp of the "Axis of Evil".

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan is expected to announce when the President intends to blast this small school into the ground this
Thursday.


photo courtesy of
www.religiousnews.com

He Has Risen....Word!

In a splendid and quasi-predictable event, Christ has been resurrected as Kanye West and will appear on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine's February 2006 issue. Kanye's rise to messiahdom started at an early age when he began turning water into 40 oz. bottles of Old English and was able to walk across the Hudson River from New Jersey to Manhattan in search of "mad, ill beats". Clergy officials in Vatican City have been working around the clock to either confirm or refute His second coming. Nonetheless, Pope Benedict XVI issued a statement this morning where he proclaimed that, "if he is the messiah, I'm still not going to let him drink from my water fountain".

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Testing the Waters....of Being an Asshole

The state of South Dakota legislature will begin hearing arguments concerning a bill that will come up shortly that will, in effect, ban abortion within the state. In a January 22 article, author Jodi Schwan writes that:

The bill will be called the Woman's Health and Life Protection Act. It will ban abortion, but won't prosecute a doctor who performs one to save a woman's life.

And the lawmaker who's introducing the bill says he thinks now is the right time to try and over-turn Roe vs Wade.

Rep. Roger Hunt says, "Abortion should be banned."

On a seperate note, Rep. Roger Hunt will be pissing on the Constitution for an encore while simultaneously smoking a joint rolled from the Bill of Rights, packed with the Civil Rights Act of 1964, and "sparked" by a bonfire which includes the books "Huck Finn", Darwin's "Origin of the Species", and Dr. Seuss's notoriously anti-American piece of propoganda "Green Eggs and Ham". Thanks to Joy for pointing us to the article.

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Jesus Christ Schmorgasboard

Ahhhhh....it's time for a Christian clip show. This link leads to "this week in religious news". My favorite little news clip is the one about the Vatican charging a publisher $18,000 to quote "Pope Benedict XVI's public statements and written works dating back to his professorial days as the Rev. Joseph Ratzinger." First, I can listen to Hitler's speeches for free, and he's the top NAZI (why settle for meatloaf when you can have prime rib). Second, I hear the Vantican is going bankrupt. Third, Moses would have charged double.

Religious Freedom Day: A Time for Thanks

Pictured Left: Iraqis celebrate their new found religious rights
by performing their native "Nude POW Humiliation Pile" ritual
for Operation Iraqi Freedom support troops.




Well...January 16th was declared Religious Freedom Day by George W. Bush in a statement released earlier this month. The proclamation celebrated the freedom of the American people, as well as other peoples under American rule, to practice all religious rituals without fear of recrimination whether they be Christmas, Easter, or Lent.

Catholics Argue that Contraception is Murder

A number of New York State Catholic Charities are sounding off against legislation requiring employers to include female contraception as part of standard medical coverage plans. Church leaders are concerned that increased access to contraception could reduce the number of abortions performed annually, thus de-prioritizing its core political issue. Lobbyists for the Catholic Church have assured that if abortion falls off of the political radar, its representatives are prepared to move on to another of its central issues; the proliferation of child molestation rights.

“A New York state law requiring employers to pay for contraception as part of medical insurance packages, has been upheld in a 3-2 decision. Nearly a dozen groups, including Catholic Charities of the Albany Diocese attempted to gain a temporary injunction against the law which they said violates their freedom of religion.” (White)

Evolution vs. Intelligent Design: Like Comparing Apples and Crackpots.

A California school is embroiled in conflict over a course intended to espouse the scientific merits of intelligent design. Until we can teach monkey’s to worship Jesus, this is the only way, Christians argue, to bring alternative ideas about creation into the mainstream.

”Intelligent design holds that some biological systems are so complex they could not have evolved through random mutations, as the vast majority of biologists teach. They argue that complexity is proof that life was formed by an intelligent designer - usually understood to mean God.” (M&C News)

Onward Christian Seamen

Mark one up for Jesus...and his name. Chaplain Lieutenant Gordon James Klingenschmitt, a Chaplain in the United States Marines, was allowed by the Navy to end, with honorable discharge, the remaining 3 years of his Navy employment contract despite his inclusion of "in Jesus' Name" at the end of each of his prayers.

However, the United States government will not allow the Chaplain to say these words while in uniform.

"Klingenschmitt said in the news release, "I accept the Navy's offer to let me finish my career, but I still can't wear my uniform in public. I won't end my fast until they give me back my uniform and let me pray in Jesus' Name."

Two weeks ago, Klingenschmitt said in the release, he was stripped of his uniform for all public appearances. That means, Klingenschmitt said, he is not allowed to talk about Jesus in public unless he is wearing civilian clothing" --Jeremy Reynalds
ASSIST News Service

The Chaplain has been, and will be, staging a hunger strike until he is allowed to voice his very own perspective from the pulpit of the United States Government. Whether someone agrees or disagrees with the chaplain, I think everyone can agree that the "hunger strike" outside the Whitehouse does not really hammer home the point that this man wants his uniform. Therefore, in place of a hunger strike, I suggest U.S. Navy Chaplain stand, balls and cock nude, outside the White House shouting that "George Bush is FORCING me to scream the name of our Lord and Savior while airing out my ball sack"

---Best of luck!

Even God Thinks Pat Robertson is a Prick

After a year of radical policy shift and land-distribution upheaval, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon may be on the cusp of death. Christian Evangelist, radio broadcaster and renowned baby-kicker Pat Robertson “suggested Thursday that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine punishment for ‘dividing God's land.’” (Barisic) This is a reference to Sharon’s removal of Jewish settlers from the West Bank as part of an effort to forge an independent Palestinian state. As Robertson has made clear, however, God hates Palestinians.

Despite the preacher’s claims, medical experts suspect the PM’s condition may have more to do with the fact that Sharon consumes in excess than 400 pounds of gefilte fish and schnitzel a day. Robertson knows better than the professionals however, as he has a direct line to god, which he uses frequently for updates on the Middle East Peace Process, the War on Terror and upcoming sports scores.

God Needs Caller ID.

A Musical, Cultural and Religious Landmark is Gone

When the great hokum blues singer Georgia Tom found God in the 1930s, Chicago and America found a gritty and soulful religion that even today provides an intimate counterbalance to the sterile distance of whitey’s somber psalms. The birthplace of Gospel Music burnt down yesterday on Chicago’s South Side, closing forever one of the lord’s swingingest houses.

“Precious few spots on Earth can be called the birthplace of an entire art form.

Pilgrim Baptist Church, which burned down Friday afternoon, was one of them.

In this sacred space—on the South Side of Chicago, at 33rd Street and Indiana Avenue—a former blues musician who turned to God invented a sound that would enrapture listeners around the world and baptized it ‘gospel music.’” (Reich, 1)